Allowing in Faith

Allowing for life to unfold and letting go of control was quite a big hurdle for me. I was gripping on so tight! I knew what I wanted and just could not see how it would come together any other way than for me to direct the ship to shore.

But the more I gripped onto the navigating wheel, the waters would attempt to redirect me. I continued to grip. The waters would roar, the waves growing bigger and stronger, but I would set myself up to overcome. Puffing my chest out like some great big feat to win. I was out to prove I was the strongest, smartest, bestest. The ship would sway jerking me and everyone I had made to jump on board with me, and I remained gripping. Hard. Strong. Not wanting to let go.

What would happen if I did?! I would surely be led onto my complete dismay.

So I gripped.

Soon my hands could no longer keep the hold. My body felt all tensed up from gripping just far too long. I had overworked my body and my mind. I was becoming tired, maybe even a little bit angry. I had navigated with my head all this way, time and time again, succeeding some quests and disappointed at others that did not come out my way. So much grip. And what for?

Then one unexpected day, I cracked. I could not hold on any longer! I didn’t care what happened! I felt weary and lost. Take me life! Just take me! And it was in that moment, of fully being and allowing, that a window opened… I heard a voice come through my heart and say “there is another way.”

A big sigh of relief. Not needing to grip so much anymore. There was a compass within me to guide me into a new possibility, a new way. The way. I was not alone. I had never been. I was just too busy and tired from all the gripping and control, that I had failed to see there was another way, another guide, another lighthouse calling me home to that which was to serve me with ease and peace. Here was when I decided, that I would allow the support of all of life to step in.

So I began to listen. I began to see. But not in the way I was taught to, not in the way I had been. This seeing and hearing flowed much deeper. I felt it in my heart. It rose within my body. Every time I seemed to get overly busy and flustered, I would miss the whispers, the stress would rise and my hands would grip. And so a better system was needed, to listen, to hear. Moments of stillness, of conscious breath leading me into the safest journey [with no destination] I had ever taken, as I listened and allowed the intelligence of life to support my every step.

I had felt alone for so long. Carrying heavy loads upon my shoulders, never believing there could be another way. I would draw my own map, thinking long and hard at what it I wanted things to be like, look like, feel like. Never quite measuring up to what I had expected it to be. So the plans would just grow bigger and more complex, more expectations.

It was time for a new path. I opened a new open door.

Allowing wanted to walk in, and I let it.

Like a sort of magic map life began to show the way. The slower ways, with no grip required, allowed my body to fully relax, feeling supported and guided. Of course I still had to take the steps towards that which was for me. Of course I still had some say in the navigation, I was the compass! But my grip was light this time around. When the ship would nudge a turn, I lightly held and allowed it to spin toward the calmer waters. The calmer waters brought on a new scene, new scents and colors that I had never experienced before. What is all this bliss? Could it really be this beautiful?

Feeling bare in the realization that I had gripped for so long in the stormy, muddy waters, finding myself now in this still and crystalline river, I began to sense a shadow rise. Feeling fear, what if this is all a lie? This certainly seems too good to be true! The longer I stayed in the shadow, the greyer days seem. The days passed and I could no longer recognize the beautiful smells, colors and light I was being gifted. Yet I knew it was there, I had experienced it before. But this cloud over me just felt so dense, it was challenging to see through it.

Searching for meaning and reason, I found a spark of light within the shadows, it spoke to my heart and said “do not be afraid”. What was there to loose? I had smelled the scents and seen the colors and had felt the exhaustion that the tight grip brought on.

I had to see where this light led, it was small in size, but warmer than the shadow I seemed to be drowning in. I decided to follow, Faith I called her.

The more I followed Faith, the more she seemed to grow. Shining brighter and brighter, like my own personal sun. With her beautiful light, she started to illuminate even the darkest corners of the newly built walls I had not realized had been built all around me. The more I focused on her warm and inviting light, the brighter everything seemed to shine. The more I recognized and rejoiced in this new light, the more the light within me would shine.

And here I am today, still on this ship called life. Faith is with me, we navigate together. Storms come and seem to pass, as we rejoice in the light together. The dark dense clouds are no match for the ever shining sun that we’ve expanded to fill the space within and all around. Faith allows me to allow. Filled with joy and gratitude, supported, guided and held in life. She walks beside me, as I listen to my inner compass, my heart, and follow through with what arises. Knowing that I am always led towards my highest good.

The more I allow, the more I seem to shine just like Faith. A wholeness takes over. Life is but a beautiful dance.

And now I only steer when needed. Some days the wheel dances and I let the ship sway me towards a new destination. I lay on my back and watch the light of the sun, the clouds drift by, the birds sing and the wind gently caresses my skin. Until the moon rises and the stars begin to shine. I am here. And as soon as my compass calls, saying it’s time for a new course, I get up and get ready. Taking a deep breath, filling myself with life in this moment, I grab the wheel with just enough hold. Faith comes with me, and into a new destination we sail together.